apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize