Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
