"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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