I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
