I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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