i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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