just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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