I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
