i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
