I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
