when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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