just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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