and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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