He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
3pm strippers are depressing
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
