My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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