hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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