guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
