Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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