Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
