I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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