make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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