If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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