mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
