Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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