I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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