Can i not drive my cunt home
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
