i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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