If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
you never un-have a 4some
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
