Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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