even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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