Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
