i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
