Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
