Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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