I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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