please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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