I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
