WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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