I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
