I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
