cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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