It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
