i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
