oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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