Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
