you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
