How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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