Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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