I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
