if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
