I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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