ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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