a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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