Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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