I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
