So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
