hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
