When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
