I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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