Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
