I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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